MacArthur park

Ok so looking back I think I might have been a little too harsh. 

Big and I  broke up today, it was horrible! We absolutely love each other, however the circumstances just aren't right.  I never thought I would see him that upset, we were both crying our hearts out.. 

The thing is, I am going to miss him, his laugh, his eyes, his smell and just being with him... I have fallen hook line and sinker.

I'm in my bed now, eyes tired from the crying... Oh the crying. I just don't know what else to do... It's such a horrible thing... Break ups.. I just don't know when I am going to see him again.. Or touch/hold him!!! Something that I know probably won't happen... 

I confronted big about the condom and he swears black and blue he didn't do anything.... I do believe him.. I know that sounds pathetic, but I know him and I know he would tell me... 

Anyway just thought I would touch base and let you know how I am, where I am etc... 

MacArthur park is our song big..... I love you!

4 years

I had created post yesterday whilst on public transport and for some reason when I published it it disappeared and I can no longer find it.. FML right?

I will give you the cliffs notes version of it, big and I were in bed and we were talking about previous relationships, anyway we got to the have you ever cheated, I had kinda steered the conversation there in a typical undetected way of course.

He said he had never cheated on anyone, and when asked if he had cheated on me, it was a "no" faster than light... He just lied to my face. It was so unbelievable, I was some what gob smacked by it, how it was a resounding no!

No thought about it whatsoever, it was just no. I then had said to him that if we ever did cheat I think we should tell each other, he pondered and agreed .... Here is where I am lying my trap...

My memory is rather good if I don't say so myself..... So I am keeping that as ammunition..

We slept apart that night, I rolled away from him and he stayed put, I was kind off hoping he would take that time to ponder about what he had done....... Although I think it didn't work, as he was soon snoring.... Cunt!!,!

Yesterday we didn't really see each other as we had evening plans with other people, I had my best friend and her absolutely beautiful husband..... Oh sorry I mean baby.... He is just so cute.

He had some wank party to go too.

He came home last night a bit pissed and I was half expecting to have to put out, but thankfully no.

Flash forward to now... What a day...

Work was busy and I had a feeling something was on the horizon... I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I knew something was brewing and it wasn't in my pants.... (Unfortunately).

Big asked when I was free for lunch and I told him 1pm, so I met him at our usual spot and off we went.... At the lunch as I was tucking into my soup, the dreaded words left his mouth..... " I got the job (overseas), I had a split second to react, fuck, say something, FUCKING SAY SOMETHING.....

"Oh congrats, I told you would get it, didn't i?" Was what I blurted out..... Jesus..

How did you know? He asked, ha...... He obviously doesn't know me......

Then he said., Sorry mr! 

SORRY MR, SORRY MR... Is that it? Is that all I get...fucking sorry mr.... Ahhhhh get fucked...

I will admit I could feel myself welling up, and I did not need my tears falling into my soup, (it was salty enough).

I pulled myself together and then thought "hang on a fucking minute, where is the...... Do you want to come?" 

What a jerk..

I then asked how long he would be going for......"4 years" he said. "4 years"....

To be continued

Dangerous liaisons

Last night whilst in bed big referred to us a ps a liaison, I'm not sure if it might have been a Freudian slip or he actually thinks that is what this is. Anyway, I bit my tongue and kinda became a little withdrawn, he noticed something wrong and asked what, and I said so you think this is a "liaison"?

His reply "you're twisting my words, you know I don't think that" erm hello, you just likened us to a liaison. Jesus.

The observation after that was we hadn't had sex yet since I had been there, I agreed and his reply was how do you feel about that? I said that it was because his parents had been here and it would have been awkward...... 

I tried to initiate sex with him, nothing,,, I'm exhausted, but I won't be in the morning.

Cut to this morning, the alarm goes off and I can feel him stir, it takes about 15 mins for him to make his move, Jesus what is a guy to do?...?  I may aswell have sex with a corpse, I would probably get a better reaction..

In the middle of the deed, he stops and says to me "I don't actually like my nipples being played with, I should have told you a while ago" YA THINK? Fuck me.... 

We both finish, and for some reason I start to laugh, not a hehehehehehe, but a body shaking chuckle.... He looks pained... And sakes why I'm laughing, I tell him it's because I just had multiple orgasms, he gets up and gets showered. Later I apologise to him for laughing and tell him you know that it wasn't because of you... (Somehow, I think that deep down or on another plain it was, and it was the universe telling me to quite it).

I had a great day at work and we're supposed to meet for lunch, anyway 1pm came and went and just as I was about to leave he enters the building, much to my disgust of my colleague..

We went to lunch and he said that we had a dinner date on Saturday at a friends house, this friend I have indeed met and I believe he is up his own ass, or perhaps he is jealous off big? The reason I say this is because at a dinner with him once he had great pleasure telling the table about big and his antics on a trip overseas and how it involved boys and alarms not going off and him catching big in the act when trying to go and wake him up....  Very strange... 

He then realises that we have a special date to observe on the Saturday and i say look we don't have to do anything, he then shocks me by saying " off course we do, it's important to celebrate it." Arghh.

So I am sitting here thinking, what's this guys deal? He's so not into me, but is pushing all the buttons making me think he is. I'm sick and tired of him playing with my emotions.

One thing I forgot to mention was that this "friend" had asked big to arrange a dinner so that I could come along, and that he would like to catch up with me?

So I got to thinking, "Does this friend know about big' indiscretions and has some sick vendetta about the two of us sitting there and he has the power? Or am I reading into this too much?

The stick shift.

So finally I got home, it was looking a little hairy there for a while.

My problem you see was I was issued with a manual gear shift car today for my work..... Christ. Yes so the last time I would have driven a stick shift would have been maybe 12 years ago.

I get to the airport hoping that I am being looked down on by some unseen force and pray and hope that I can get an automatic, the gods were obviously not smiling today in this Windy City....

I get into the car after talking to my best friend, explaining what had taken place over the last few days with the bf, and the shit that went down! Anyway I digress. So I get into the car and almost shat myself, how does this fucking thing work? I mean I love all things erect and stick like, but this monstrousity was something else... 

I felt like I was about to take off into space at one point...... After lurching back and forth for what seemed like 20 mins, I finally left the car park... I swear people were in awe of how shit a driver I was.. Finally I get into the city after many stallings and near misses with pedestrians, now this is going to be fun, I had to navigate rush hour traffic and the things they call "cunting traffic lights".  The Mitchum I had on today definitely had its work cut out, my Dior homme shirt was becoming like one of those sweat rags hot mechanics use to mop their brow or chiselled abs.

I get to my first appt and I swear the lady was looking at my strange, I was a little dishevelled looking, like I had stepped off the venga bus after a months worth or partying.

Anyway, after many hours of driving up and down the motorway and trying to navigate back roads and those traffic lights, I think I may have finally gotten the hang off it..... That thought didn't last long however, I remembered, I had to take this fucker of a car back , and through the city I may add... Oh my Christ. 

Anyway,  long story short I made it.. I'm home in one piece, albeit many kilos lighter from the sweat I produced, I just hope that it all evaporated before they check the car out, otherwise I am going to be charged for the cleaning bill that wasn't even a fun time to create.

Thankfully I'm sitting here writing this on the kitchen island awaiting for big to come home.... 

Not sure how I am going to behave whilst around him, I will have to do my favourite trick off "down come the shutters on all emotional shit". 

I'm also a little worried he is going to want sex, although that might be a bad thing, last night when I was in his bed alone, I couldn't sleep, I kept thinking about the company (trade) he had there last week, and I felt dirty, and so I am thinking that if we do in fact get down and dirty I won't be able to perform, as the thoughts of the antics that went on there before will make me nauseous, and give me that stomach churning thing you all know about. 

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

Its not you, its me

So I guess where all this want to begin blogging comes from where I am now and what has happened recently.

I am sitting here in the lounge of my current boyfriends house contemplating my future with him. 

(Let's call him Big (cliche I know) however lets make it simple.)

So why am I sitting here wondering this, well a number of things come to mind actually......

Firstly we are currently living in a long distance relationship, we have been for a year and everything started out good, as I guess it does. I think I was so swept up with him that I never thought the distance would ever be an absolute bitch, but we will touch on that a little later! 

We had been seeing each other for a while and decided to make a go of it and go steady and become "boyfriends". We spoke about being exclusive and how we wouldn't date or fuck anyone else.

He was still using one of those apps (you know those chatting/sex apps) and I was happy about that as he used for a chatting site (or so he said).... He travelled a lot for work and so do I , so I know how lonely it can be in cities when you know no one, although looking back how could I have been so fucking stupid. 

Back to the present, things have still been going well, we see each other a bit, although the trust for me has more or less disappeared. I broke the cardinal rule and checked his phone and saw he was texting other guys and by the looks of it they had met up! So what was I to do? I couldn't talk to him about it as I couldn't let him know I checked his phone and broke his trust..... 

So with the aid of my girlfriends, I did what any other gay man would do......... Sleep with someone and get your own back. Let me have it.......... Don't hold back.

I didn't feel good, but it filled a void and it made me feel wanted not only by big, but by other men And I guess what I am trying to say is made me feel attractive.

I changed my flights this weekend and flew to see him and spend a bit more time with him,  as he dropped a bit of a bombshell on Saturday , he was moving over 3000 kms away, and my initial reaction involved Xanax and two bottles of wine ( I promise to talk about that later) and I just had to see him I had to know what was going on and how we could get through this.

So down I flew, and on that flight down and subsequent days I've decided that we should go our own ways. Looking back I was never a priority for him, or if I was I was down the list around number 10 or so, and too be honest what's the fucking point.

I woke up next to him this morning and when he was out of the room I checked his phone again, and saw that this young dude had been chatting and big had invited him over just last week, (commence stomach churning now). I played it cool, and just got up and went in the shower, I at first felt angry but very quickly felt numb and indifferent, it was like it was what I needed to move on, it was the proof I needed, or so I thought.

This is where it gets interesting, I was getting dressed and noticed the rubbish bin in the bathroom was over flowing and so started to empty it into a plastic bag and low and behold what did I find..... A used condom wrapper... (What more proof did I need)?

So this is why I am sitting here today pondering and hoping for a bit of feedback.

Do I confront him? Or take the high road, and sit him down and say " I really do love you, I'm just not in love with you?"

The Day it all Started

I often wondered how to start one of these, and got various hints and tips from friends, but never seemed to get my finger out and start.
Well, thanks to a few things (shitty things I may add) that have happened I've decided to put pen to paper and get started!

In the beginning god made an Emerald Isle  and on that Isle bore a young gay man..  (This is the story of an Irish man and his adventures through life and other shit!) He very quickly realised he was gay, trists and turns with other guys the same age,  overall, he knew he was a poof!

I'm not going to be one of those homos that starts out all sad and eventually finds love and settles down and is happy! No! This homo is still experiencing trials and tribulations of love and sex! Good and bad.. I hope you enjoy the journey and have a few laughs with me along the way!