I am sitting here in the lounge of my current boyfriends house contemplating my future with him.
(Let's call him Big (cliche I know) however lets make it simple.)
So why am I sitting here wondering this, well a number of things come to mind actually......
Firstly we are currently living in a long distance relationship, we have been for a year and everything started out good, as I guess it does. I think I was so swept up with him that I never thought the distance would ever be an absolute bitch, but we will touch on that a little later!
We had been seeing each other for a while and decided to make a go of it and go steady and become "boyfriends". We spoke about being exclusive and how we wouldn't date or fuck anyone else.
He was still using one of those apps (you know those chatting/sex apps) and I was happy about that as he used for a chatting site (or so he said).... He travelled a lot for work and so do I , so I know how lonely it can be in cities when you know no one, although looking back how could I have been so fucking stupid.
Back to the present, things have still been going well, we see each other a bit, although the trust for me has more or less disappeared. I broke the cardinal rule and checked his phone and saw he was texting other guys and by the looks of it they had met up! So what was I to do? I couldn't talk to him about it as I couldn't let him know I checked his phone and broke his trust.....
So with the aid of my girlfriends, I did what any other gay man would do......... Sleep with someone and get your own back. Let me have it.......... Don't hold back.
I didn't feel good, but it filled a void and it made me feel wanted not only by big, but by other men And I guess what I am trying to say is made me feel attractive.
I changed my flights this weekend and flew to see him and spend a bit more time with him, as he dropped a bit of a bombshell on Saturday , he was moving over 3000 kms away, and my initial reaction involved Xanax and two bottles of wine ( I promise to talk about that later) and I just had to see him I had to know what was going on and how we could get through this.
So down I flew, and on that flight down and subsequent days I've decided that we should go our own ways. Looking back I was never a priority for him, or if I was I was down the list around number 10 or so, and too be honest what's the fucking point.
I woke up next to him this morning and when he was out of the room I checked his phone again, and saw that this young dude had been chatting and big had invited him over just last week, (commence stomach churning now). I played it cool, and just got up and went in the shower, I at first felt angry but very quickly felt numb and indifferent, it was like it was what I needed to move on, it was the proof I needed, or so I thought.
This is where it gets interesting, I was getting dressed and noticed the rubbish bin in the bathroom was over flowing and so started to empty it into a plastic bag and low and behold what did I find..... A used condom wrapper... (What more proof did I need)?
So this is why I am sitting here today pondering and hoping for a bit of feedback.
Do I confront him? Or take the high road, and sit him down and say " I really do love you, I'm just not in love with you?"
No comments:
Post a Comment