As promised , here is what happened "that" Saturday.
I had stayed at my friends house on the Friday night as I needed to have a few drinks and let my hair down as I had a massive week. Drinking and driving ain't cool kids.
Anyway, so on Saturday morning we all got up and had some breakfast and we were just about to go our separate ways when I got a text from big, we were chatting away and he then told me that he had an interview for this job overseas. He said sorry... My friend could see something was up and she asked what had happened, I told her and she said she was sorry that she had to go to work... I told her I was ok, and I know that she didn't believe me.
I got into the car after texting back that the text had thrown me, and I wasn't sure what to say.
He called instantly and apologised for telling me, and that it was only an interview... I knew he would get it....he never believed me.
After we finished speaking I felt void, vacant even, I needed to go home and digest this information, so in my fashion I stopped at the supermarket and picked up some food and the obligatory two bottles of wine.. It was 10:30am.
I remember at the time thinking I shouldn't drink, it only puts a band aid over the feelings and emotions. However it was all I could think about..
I got home and went to the couch and started watching TV, I then poured the first glass....
My friend called me and asked if I was ok and I assured her I was, and that I might take a Xanax to take the edge off... She disapproved esp if I was drinking with it... I lied.
So down the pill went along with the two bottles of wine to the sweet sounds of sex and the city, I was secretly hoping carrie and the girls would help me out somehow.
In the next few hours I had somehow convinced myself that I was going to have to go and see big, I was going down that week anyway and I had time off, so why not...
I was a train wreck, my flat mate had come home and seen the state of me and instantly thought I was trying to top myself, the thought had crossed my mind, and I'm not surprised she thought that as she had seen how sad I had become of late.
Many phone calls and arguments later I was adamant I was going, I had even packed my suitcase and was walking out to the car when she grabbed my suitcase off me, and took my keys and phone and hid them.
The rest is a bit of a blur, I had changed my flight again and somehow convinced her to give me all my collateral, and the next thing I knew I was at the airport in a flood of tears.
My life was spiralling out of control at a phenomenal rate, and I wasn't able to stop it.
Whilst at the airport I had spoken to my ex (I will talk about him at a later date ) and he was now worried. He had never seen me in this state, it was like I was about to give up.
He was really my knight in shining armour, he really came into his own that night, he managed to talk to me, and get me thinking straight and back to ground level.
He wanted to come and collect me but I had to go and see big and sort all this shit out, or so I thought, I am fairly head strong and once I get something into my head there is no stopping me, esp when alcohol is involved.
I will be forever grateful to my ex that night, for really helping me out, I am also eternally grateful to my friends that rallied around with my flatmate to try and talk some sense into me. I am deeply sorry I put you all in that situation ... Sorry.
I think that I had hit an all time low and couldn't see any other way out, it was like someone had put blinkers on me and I couldn't see the light...
I am getting help now from my friends and also from a therapist who I will start seeing in a couple of weeks.....
There you go that's the dreaded story the shameful story of that Saturday, when things went tits up and I turned to the bottle and meds..
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