Fingering and fetishes

So I finally got home from my trip last night and went around to see my friend.
We had a few drinks and laughs and were catching up on my escapades or lack of them.
I filled her in re big and the new boys that I am currently chatting too...

One in particular I am liking a lot, we've been chatting for a week now and he is very very handsome, older and genuine..
Being gay, we are very quick to get to the point! No beating around the bush for us...
Generally it goes some thing like this....

"What are you looking for?"
"Top or Bottom"?
"Where are you"?

So my friend and I are talking about that, and then the conversation turns to female genitalia, this part turned my stomach....
She informed me that the clitorus gets erect... Now at this stage i was sweating and almost having to leave the room, I'm all for filth, but this is just too much... I mean wtf.
Being a 'PURE' gay there are things that we just DO NOT NEED TO KNOW.

We are now laughing so hard as she has been on the inter web looking up pictures to show me, and in the last 24 hours i swear i have seen more fucked up vaginas that i care to think about... Fuck.
Then we start looking at fingering for some reason, well i never knew there are so many ways.....
In conclusion to all this.. i am so glad to be gay, being straight is too hard, i mean you have to do foreplay and get things 'wet' and all that shite, whereas we just have to get lube and in she pops... ha.

I think a great comedian summed it up in his latest set.. Its your job to get the c@@t wet... We have got our dick hard.. come on.

I like big cocks and I cannot Lie...

Let me just start with a bit of a rant....

If I get asked once more whether or not I am "straight acting" I think I am going to fucken beat the shite out of someone.  What the fuck is straight acting about sucking cock... I mean come on... Jesus guys... YOU ARE GAY. You like cock... get over it..

I got asked recently if I was a "size queen" it was almost like they were saying it was a bad thing..... Whats so bad about liking big willys? So what its a preference and I am happy and proud to admit it.

Ive had a few experiences recently with small cock syndrome, its becoming a bit of an issue to be honest.

My issue is... I have met a few guys with faces like angels, I mean so unbelievably hot, and everything was going well, until we got into the bedroom.. We get down to the nitty gritty and I put my hand down there and its like "hmm where is it????? Oh fuck no, please god no... and there in all its glory is a chipolata... (actually thats me being nice) To be perfectly honest it was so hard and angry looking I couldn't bare looking at it... This guy was really getting into it, and loving mine, but i was trying with all my might to stay hard, all i could feel was this nasty little extension poking me in the stomach...

He was quite a strong lad and kept trying to push my head down, what was i meant to do? it would be like sucking a straw... plus the thought made me gag a few times.. 

I had to take matters into my own hands and became the dominant one and so I threw him down and sat on his face, finally finishing wishing and hoping he had also, but no.... 

The feeling of that on my body afterwards felt like sulphuric acid to me, it burned, or so i thought anyway....

This probably makes me seem like a complete and utter twat, but I'm only sharing.

I just don't know what to do when i am faced with this situation, it doesn't give me much hope to be honest...  I mean at the end of the day with something like that i wouldn't know if he was fucking me or erasing me.

Planes, exes and Xanax

I guess I've  always had an issue with alcohol, it's something that I turn to when things go well or go bad. I have this habit of wanting to zone out when things hit the fan and I need to find the mute or pause button. 

As promised , here is what happened "that" Saturday.

I had stayed at my friends house on the Friday night as I needed to have a few drinks and let my hair down as I had a massive week. Drinking and driving ain't cool kids.

Anyway, so on Saturday morning we all got up and had some breakfast and we were just about to go our separate ways when I got a text from big, we were chatting away and he then told me that he had an interview for this job overseas. He said sorry... My friend could see something was up and she asked what had happened, I told her and she said she was sorry that she had to go to work... I told her I was ok, and I know that she didn't believe me.

I got into the car after texting back that the text had thrown me, and I wasn't sure what to say.

He called instantly and apologised for telling me, and that it was only an interview... I knew he would get it....he never believed me.

After we finished speaking I felt void, vacant even, I needed to go home and digest this information, so in my fashion I stopped at the supermarket and picked up some food and the obligatory two bottles of wine.. It was 10:30am.

I remember at the time thinking I shouldn't drink, it only puts a band aid over the feelings and emotions. However it was all I could think about..

I got home and went to the couch and started watching TV, I then poured the first glass.... 

My friend called me and asked if I was ok and I assured her I was, and that I might take a Xanax to take the edge off... She disapproved esp if I was drinking with it... I lied.

So down the pill went along with the two bottles of wine to the sweet sounds of sex and the city, I was secretly hoping carrie and the girls would help me out somehow.

In the next few hours I had somehow convinced myself that I was going to have to go and see big, I was going down that week anyway and I had time off, so why not... 

I was a train wreck, my flat mate had come home and seen the state of me and instantly thought I was trying to top myself, the thought had crossed my mind, and I'm not surprised she thought that as she had seen how sad I had become of late.

Many phone calls and arguments later I was adamant I was going, I had even packed my suitcase and was walking out to the car when she grabbed my suitcase off me, and took my keys and phone and hid them.

The rest is a bit of a blur, I had changed my flight again and somehow convinced her to give me all my collateral, and the next thing I knew I was at the airport in a flood of tears.

My life was spiralling out of control at a phenomenal rate, and I wasn't able to stop it.

Whilst at the airport I had spoken to my ex (I will talk about him at a later date ) and he was now worried. He had never seen me in this state, it was like I was about to give up.

He was really my knight in shining armour, he really came into his own that night, he managed to talk to me, and get me thinking straight and back to ground level. 

He wanted to come and collect me but I had to go and see big and sort all this shit out, or so I thought, I am fairly head strong and once I get something into my head there is no stopping me, esp when alcohol is involved. 

I will be forever grateful to my ex that night, for really helping me out, I am also eternally grateful to my friends that rallied around with my flatmate to try and talk some sense into me. I am deeply sorry I put you all in that situation ... Sorry. 

I think that I had hit an all time low and couldn't see any other way out, it was like someone had put blinkers on me and I couldn't see the light... 

I am getting help now from my friends and also from a therapist who I will start seeing in a couple of weeks.....

There you go that's the dreaded story the shameful story of that Saturday, when things went tits up and I turned to the bottle and meds..

 

4 dates vs 2 dates

I just had to share this story with you guys....

The day after big and broke up, I was at home feeling a little sorry for myself, and licking my wounds so to speak when I got a phone call...

It was a guy I had seen a few times and the conversation went something like this:-

Me. Hey how are you?

Guy. Hi! I'm good. Where have you been?

Me. Err at work today and I text you earlier, I'm now home..

Guy. I meant in general, I've hardly heard from you... You've been really distant..

Me. Sorry, I've been really busy with work and I've been out of town as you we'll know.

(Now this is where I should have known something was going to do down and should have hung up)

Guy. You got back yesterday.

Me. Yes  last night about 8pm

Guy. I thought we could have caught up.

Me. I'm knackered mate, sorry.

Guy... I don't know what is going on with you, you seem so distant.

Me. I had some personal shit to deal with.

Guy. What personal shit?

Me... None of your business, really.

Guy, are you seeing someone else?

Me. I was, and I had to have some closure. (Honestly, this time wasn't the best policy)

Guy. Omg so you have been seeing both of us at the same time.

Me. Erm we aren't boyfriends, we have only been on 2 dates.

Guy, actually it was four, and we were going to have that talk when you got back.

Me. What! News to me. Four dates does not make us boyfriends .

Guy. If I had known that then....

Me. I'm sorry mate, but I think you are jumping the gun a little.

Guy. I thought we were good together.

Me. We had a laugh yes, and we still can.

Guy. No, have a good holiday and birthday.

Me, that's not for a few months, oh, right.

Guy. Yes, I think we are over.

Me. Oh ok... Bye.

What the fuck just happened... Was I just dumped from a relationship I never knew I was in....

I sort of knew he was a little intense, but seriously... 4 dates and we are boyfriends... I don't think so..

So I'm not having the best week.. What with being dumped twice. Ha.

Alone time.

I've been trying to find the motivation to get back into this blog, but what with the break up and all, it just threw me for six.

I've been travelling for work this week and I have now found myself in a hotel pining after big, we have spoken a few times via text, but I am trying my darnedest to move on...... It's so hard.... 

I don't know if he is feeling the same as me, as I'm not altogether sure he is emotionally capable to feel this way... A friend asked me today whether I would go with him to the new country he is being relocated too, I thought about it and if he asked I think that I would.... I'm not sure if I am being stupid or that the sorrow is clouding my judgement, all I know is that I miss him with all my heart.

Being alone in this town that I am in sucks, there is seriously no talent whatsoever, I mean NOTHING...

I actually don't know what I would do if there was anyone decent, I think I would probably end up crying in the middle of sex, and freak the poor guy out... What a fucking loser...

I have two more days of being on the road then 3 days at home and then on the road again, this travel isn't really doing any favours for this gay to get back on the horse, esp when the talent out there is abysmal..... Perhaps I am being too tough and bitter due to the break up but a boy can be 3 days out of one, right?  

I just feel sad and miserable, I think because the break up was mutual, there was no real reason to focus on. I am a little fucked off that he never asked if I would like to go, or even hinted at it, I remember a while back when we had been together for a while and he was talking about maybe being sent to a European City to work, and he asked me there if I would like to go.... I guess that was just pillow talk..

I did say to him on Sunday that I felt we were flatlining... Esp since he never messaged me for over 4 days.... That was kinda signal enough eh? I mean when you can't even contact the one you supposedly love... I guess he's just not that into me.  

MacArthur park

Ok so looking back I think I might have been a little too harsh. 

Big and I  broke up today, it was horrible! We absolutely love each other, however the circumstances just aren't right.  I never thought I would see him that upset, we were both crying our hearts out.. 

The thing is, I am going to miss him, his laugh, his eyes, his smell and just being with him... I have fallen hook line and sinker.

I'm in my bed now, eyes tired from the crying... Oh the crying. I just don't know what else to do... It's such a horrible thing... Break ups.. I just don't know when I am going to see him again.. Or touch/hold him!!! Something that I know probably won't happen... 

I confronted big about the condom and he swears black and blue he didn't do anything.... I do believe him.. I know that sounds pathetic, but I know him and I know he would tell me... 

Anyway just thought I would touch base and let you know how I am, where I am etc... 

MacArthur park is our song big..... I love you!

4 years

I had created post yesterday whilst on public transport and for some reason when I published it it disappeared and I can no longer find it.. FML right?

I will give you the cliffs notes version of it, big and I were in bed and we were talking about previous relationships, anyway we got to the have you ever cheated, I had kinda steered the conversation there in a typical undetected way of course.

He said he had never cheated on anyone, and when asked if he had cheated on me, it was a "no" faster than light... He just lied to my face. It was so unbelievable, I was some what gob smacked by it, how it was a resounding no!

No thought about it whatsoever, it was just no. I then had said to him that if we ever did cheat I think we should tell each other, he pondered and agreed .... Here is where I am lying my trap...

My memory is rather good if I don't say so myself..... So I am keeping that as ammunition..

We slept apart that night, I rolled away from him and he stayed put, I was kind off hoping he would take that time to ponder about what he had done....... Although I think it didn't work, as he was soon snoring.... Cunt!!,!

Yesterday we didn't really see each other as we had evening plans with other people, I had my best friend and her absolutely beautiful husband..... Oh sorry I mean baby.... He is just so cute.

He had some wank party to go too.

He came home last night a bit pissed and I was half expecting to have to put out, but thankfully no.

Flash forward to now... What a day...

Work was busy and I had a feeling something was on the horizon... I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I knew something was brewing and it wasn't in my pants.... (Unfortunately).

Big asked when I was free for lunch and I told him 1pm, so I met him at our usual spot and off we went.... At the lunch as I was tucking into my soup, the dreaded words left his mouth..... " I got the job (overseas), I had a split second to react, fuck, say something, FUCKING SAY SOMETHING.....

"Oh congrats, I told you would get it, didn't i?" Was what I blurted out..... Jesus..

How did you know? He asked, ha...... He obviously doesn't know me......

Then he said., Sorry mr! 

SORRY MR, SORRY MR... Is that it? Is that all I get...fucking sorry mr.... Ahhhhh get fucked...

I will admit I could feel myself welling up, and I did not need my tears falling into my soup, (it was salty enough).

I pulled myself together and then thought "hang on a fucking minute, where is the...... Do you want to come?" 

What a jerk..

I then asked how long he would be going for......"4 years" he said. "4 years"....

To be continued